A mess

I’m currently surrounded by fabric, books and empty packets of biscuits. Like you do. Today I’ve felt a lot better after the bug and several days of rest, so I’m very happy about that. Plus I’m eating normally again, which improves my mood a lot. The fabric is due to trying to plan Christmas presents, which isn’t going very well. I’ve decided on my cousin’s present but that’s about it. I can’t decide on a lot at the moment, apart from how to package things. Not helpful if you have nothing to package!

Aside from that I was sorting out my bookshelf and have gotten rid of quite a few books and also managed to give some to my friends. 🙂 I always hate letting books go, but if they’re not useful to me then I probably shouldn’t hoard them! I already hoard too many things anyway. My bookshelves look a lot neater now though, so maybe I’ll actually read the books on the shelves. Maybe.

Today I also kind of decided that I really do need a break from social media. One of my friends has been telling me this for three weeks (which he probably takes great delight in) and I think I’m finally ready to do so. It doesn’t do my anxiety any good and I need to be a bit selfish for once. I spend a lot of my time putting all my energy into people who don’t do the same. Not that that’s a reflection on them, it’s just with lack of energy it sounds a lot worse than it is. I need to focus on recharging my batteries because boy do I need it. I think I’m half asleep while writing this . . . With that said, I’ll still be on here (as it’s not a very interactive thing) and I will be reachable anyway, to those of my friends that think they can’t contact me in an emergency. I’ll probably also be writing letters as I want to get back into that. I kind of worry about it, that people think it’s something they’ve done or just plain misunderstand, but no. It’s just something I need to do otherwise I’ll crash and burn, which I really don’t want after such hard work to get me where I am today. To be the person that they got to know. Living with M.E for as long as I have prepares me for breaks and I just hope people stick around and understand.

Wow that turned kind of deep, didn’t it? Sorry about that. There’s currently a big storm outside, which is quite nice as we haven’t had one for a little while. Hopefully it’ll do the grass and plants some good, they’ve been looking kind of sorry for themselves. It’s also been quite chilly, so hopefully there are a few more good days before autumn/winter fully kick in!

Well, this was a kind of weird post. Just like my mind at the moment. I think you could probably tell anyway as the quality of my posts have been slipping a lot, I am aware.
See you all soon, with something more cheery  I hope.
Jess x
Edited to add: I thought I’d add a song that I’ve been playing a lot lately. Ties in the post a lot 🙂


Thinking (again)

Sometimes life decides to treat you to a setback. The typical “one step forward, two steps back”. It’s incredibly frustrating having them, but you have to bear in mind you’ve got through it before so you can darn well do it again. It’s extremely trying of your patience, but if you keep at it you can usually get through it and get back on track.

I’m writing this from my sickbed. Not fun, I’ll tell you that. It’s a combination of having majorly overdone it and somehow managing to catch a bug. The rare times I go out and this one time I catch one?! Not fun! During the day I’m coping by listening to music and watching films (although there are only so many crap ones you can watch in a row), but once night hits it gets pretty tough. Any memories I can usually block out of being super poorly come back to me and it really, truly sucks.

But, as well as feeling sorry for myself, I know I can rest up enough to get my health back on track and get back to my normality. I’ve been listening to my body and its needs for over 5 years now (I’d say 6 but I didn’t listen when I was first diagnosed), so I’m hearing it out when it’s telling me to stay in bed and rest a lot – which I’m sure it’s grateful for. Sure it’s gonna take a bit of work and I certainly haven’t been great all year anyway, but I know it’ll be worth the enforced rest. It has scuppered a few plans that I’d hope to be able to do this week – visit my grandparents for instance – but I do know rest is best . . . How cheesy.

I’m certainly not someone to preach about staying focused on the positive, because geez I hardly do that myself, but if I know it’s worth it then hey, why not? I know a lot of people struggle to focus on the outcome if you work hard at something, but it is very worth it, even if it’s hard as hell. I wouldn’t say that this post is meant to be a positive thing, because it’s mainly me trying to drill it into my head (if you hadn’t already cottoned on to that) but I do hope it might help someone reading it.

Sorry for a bit of a moan, but here it is anyway. Normal service to be resumed soon. 🙂
Jess x


Oh look, here I am with a post that isn’t what I meant to write and that’ll bore everyone (mainly my friends).

Do you ever get so immersed in a world that is unlike our own that, once you get a bit of reality in the face, it sucks? It doesn’t even have to be a fictional world, it can be something creative (music, art, crafts etc.), theories on the universe or something like that.

I’ve spent the last, oh I don’t know, few weeks maybe? Stuck in the world of Middle Earth and things of a folky nature, something I’ve not really explored before. It’s an interesting experience, a lot different from my gothic or historical tendencies – although I did once delve into the world of hippie-ness after listening to The Beatles for a long while. I love being surrounded by something that’s been a fascination of mine since I was first introduced to the genre when I was little.

I was brought up on sci-fi and fantasy, something I’m immensely proud of (thanks dad!). From what I can remember, it was Star Wars, Narnia and the stories of the Faraway Tree (Roald Dahl’s books were also fun to read). It was so cool to watch and read these completely different things happen, go on the journeys with them and things like that. It’s something that has always stuck with me and also made influence on my own creative writing.

I’ve just read back on what I’ve written so far and I know my old teachers would be screaming at me for over-using the word something.

I’ve been writing since I can remember. A very clichĂ© thing to say, but it’s true. In reception I wrote a very weird story about a bear (okay, maybe less writing – much to the year 6’s disgust – and more scribbling) to writing a story with my friend about a lonely house (maybe I was on the same level with Tolkien about the Lonely Mountain. No? Just me? Okay . . .). I’d like to say that my writing has gotten a lot better, but I can’t be the judge of that (neither can my parents).

Since recently re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia (not all of them, due to forgetting where I was in one of the books, but I still remember most of the storylines) and suddenly discovering my love for Middle Earth, I’ve wanted to create my own version of that (briefly mentioned here). A mystical world, that represents our one but in a different period entirely. There’s something quite weird about deciding to do that., I find It’s a conscious decision of mine to spend my whole life achieving this, whether or not I’ll try to publish it is another thing. I s’pose you could say I’m a fool for attempting this, which is probably quite true. Another reason it’s a hard decision to make is because you’re always a bit worried people will think you’re directly going to copy your inspiration, but that’s not true. Some of it may be a bit like it but purely because of that, inspiration.

My family knows that I’ve had difficulties with my writing and always struggle with believing in myself to continue the passion. A long time ago I used to write poems, which are horrendous looking back on them (trust me), so it doesn’t always fill me with the best confidence. One of my best moments, which I will never forget, is when I had written a chapter of something that’s quite . . . Different, I suppose. It was essentially the result of being bed bound for too long with a bird with a broken beak as your only friend. Sad but true, that. Anyway, I’d written this chapter and was excited to show my uncle, who studied great works of English literature and all that jazz. I showed it to him and he read it then gave me a puzzled look. He could not understand the point I was coming from with it. I was quite confused, everybody else had understood it and liked the images it gave them, yet he couldn’t. Someone who had studied great authors. It gave me a little kick that me, at 12, had confused my something-old uncle (I’m really bad with ages, sorry uncle). Whether it was a good thing or not, is anyone’s guess, but it gave me some confidence to continue doing my thing.

Whether or not this works out for me, I’m happy to attempt it. The works of Lewis and Tolkien will stay with me, purely because of the relief I find in those stories. Adaptations of both have given me joy as well. I want to do the same. It’s a big aspiration, but as they say, you write what you want to read. I want to make other people feel the joy I get from these two writers. Whether it’s through my own creations or pestering people to read/watch those stories (looks pointedly at my friend group).

Well, I know that’s been extremely rambly, but I hope for people close to me that’s some kind of explanation as to why I’ve been a little absent. As for other readers of my blog, I hope you’ve enjoyed it (even if you haven’t, well done for reading this long a post. I have biscuits for you).

I hope to see you all soon,

Holiday times

Hello all!

I’m back from my weekend break and thought I’d write a quick little summary of it for you! 🙂 Please excuse any bad pictures, I was using my phone for most of them and the zoom isn’t very good quality!

We arrived late on Friday so a lot of that afternoon was spent organising things and unpacking.

Felt like Bilbo  "I'm going on an adventure!"

Felt like Bilbo “I’m going on an adventure!”

After we’d finished with that we went to the shopping bit, where I bought a Middle Earth map poster and a gift for my cousin. I got very excited about the map and will try to find a frame for it so it can go up in my room! Pictures to follow I’m sure xD After that we had a meal out, although I was a bit too anxious to enjoy the food. We went to bed after a bit of a boring wait for some good things to come on TV (I tried to persuade the parents to buy me a colouring book or some games in the shop but they said it was ridiculous. Not so much when we were all a bit bored, eh? :P).
We did nothing for the whole morning and into the early afternoon as we had an archery session later on in the day, which I needed to rest up for.

Mum gave into my request for a colouring book

Mum gave into my request for a colouring book

"May I come in?"

“May I come in?”

Unfortunately, I was unable to do much of it (maybe able to shoot 6 arrows before having to give in entirely, about 5 minutes worth of the hour activity). I didn’t have the strength to pull back the bow and ended up having extremely sore arms. I then panicked and burst into tears. The instructor looked a bit concerned, bless him, and another man tried to cheer me up, which I’m very grateful for. I sorted myself out a bit and watched as mum and then dad both got bullseyes.

Mum's bullseye

Mum’s bullseye

Dad's bullseye

Dad’s bullseye

After that small disaster, we went back to the apartment thingy and the parents went out for a meal. I ended up talking to my friends who tried to calm me down, but the frustration got to me and I ended up having a little break down. We then watched last night of the proms, which was alright, but I kept having little bouts of panic attacks which ruined the fun a bit. We soon went to sleep and I really hoped for a better day.

We decided to go out for a bit and have lunch out. Dad and I decided to play some air hockey (which he thrashed me at) and then we went to play some pool (which he also thrashed us at).

I got given a shorter cue as I couldn't use the adult one

I got given a shorter cue as I couldn’t use the adult one

We then went for lunch, which was absolutely amazing and I wish we’d gone there more often!! Such lovely food. I forgot to take a picture of it, because I kinda just dove in, but I assure you it looked and tasted great. xD After that we came home for a rest and had a guest:
We managed to persuade him to leave before he invited his friends over too. I don’t think he was very happy about it, but there we are. xD I also called my nan briefly as I wanted to talk to her. 🙂 We left to do some gift shopping and then go bowling. The next few pictures are very saddening for me . . .

Doing well!

Doing well!

Damn it dad

Damn it dad

I asked for a children’s cocktail after that happened.
I was very gutted about my sudden loss of the lead, that every go after that was very, very bad. xD
Yes the lighting was horrendous!
It went pretty horribly for me, as my fingers became more and more tired (and dad annoyed me more and more with his ability to do well *cough*). After our time was up, we left to go back to the apartment thing to pack everything up and watch a bit of TV before going to sleep.

We were up and going pretty early (for us at least) to be able to check out to make the journey home. Thankfully it seemed to fly by and I was soon reunited with a stroppy bunny rabbit, of that I am very glad. I did enjoy holiday, even though it was very tiring and stressful. I was very happy to come up and be able to curl up in my bed for a bit!!

On that note I shall go to bed, as I am very tired, so I apologise if a lot of this doesn’t make sense! I hope you enjoyed having a nose at my holiday. 🙂
See you soon!
Jess x

Writer’s block

It sucks.

Like, really sucks. I still have those blog posts to go up, but I can’t find the motivation to take pictures and write it up (I’m very lazy, I know) so it’s going to be a bit late . . . Again. I also have loads of inspiration and ideas to write up my stories, but I’m lacking something. Either that or I’m so overwhelmed that it’s blocking anything I can do. Hummm. I’m hoping that when I go on holiday next week, I’ll be able to find my motivation and get stuff sorted (I also hope to write a few blog posts afterwards, although you should know by now not to trust that :P).

A lot of it could also be due to the fact that school as started up again, which I always find difficult. I stand by what I said last year and I probably always will, but it does suck sometimes, when your friends are off at school (even if it does suck and the schools are bad) and you’re stuck at home not knowing what to do with yourself because you’re exhausted and fed up. Such fun . . . I was going to try to get on top of some studying (mainly so I could get into the swing of things before hopefully doing that course next year) but I’ve majorly overdone it again so it’s a bit back to square one here. Deep breaths. I’m resting up as much as I can before said holiday, so that I will be able to enjoy it. Finger crossed.

Apart from struggling to write, I’m just mainly trying to keep my head above water. It’s proving difficult and I really don’t like feeling this way, but that’s life, I guess. I may be a bit silent this month, but we’ll see where it takes me. I have things planned to write about for this blog and hopefully they can still happen, but we’ll see.

Sorry for a slightly depressive post, but thought I should explain the little delay.
See you soon,
Jess x