This isn’t goodbye

Hi there!

Well, I mentioned in my last post that I have grand ideas (maybe I shouldn’t big them up too much?) for this blog and I do… But not for here.

I feel like, for Rose Vampire, it’s come to an end. I’ve sort of debated this for a little while and thought that making a new blog (while leaving this one up) was a good idea. A lot of things have happened on here and there are some posts that I’m really proud of but I’ve grown up.

‘It’s not you, it’s me.’
Shush, thoughts.

I have set up a new blog, which will now be my main one, starting tomorrow. If any of you still want to follow my adventures, they’ll be over here on a site that I have creatively called Rose Wrote. On any of the sites that I share to, it’ll now be that one and as most of my readers come from those sites… At least you know? 😛

I think that’s all… In summary, same account, same person sitting at her laptop writing rambly posts and this site will still be available if anyone happens to stumble across it or wants to re-read (why?? xD) some of my posts!

Thanks for being there these past 3 years, you’ve seen me through a lot of good moments. 🙂
See you on the next one,
Jess x

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It’s been a while

Hey there.

I feel that all I write at the minute is “It’s been tough.”. I keep fluctuating between “I’m so pleased with how far I’ve come!” and “I’m going nowhere.” and I think my blog posts reflect that a lot. Sorry, I guess?

The past few months have been difficult. I did have a blog post half written for October to explain what I’d been doing but it just felt… too happy. Too fake. While it was mostly happy (I went back down to Bristol!) it did drain me. It’s been a struggle lately. I have had way too many days of feeling at my lowest, both physically and mentally. I’m trying to correct things but it’s exhausting me, having to constantly fight. Is this what being an adult is like?

I’ve got some coping mechanisms. I read the Fullmetal Alchemist manga (because clearly binge watching the anime in August wasn’t enough!), I’m learning Spanish, I’m learning to draw manga characters, I watch anime, I watch crap films with mum. It works, to a degree. At least, it’s something to do so that I feel sane.

I’ve decided to go back to CBT. I have my first session next week and while I want it to be here right now I’m also terrified. That pretty much sums me up in one word at the moment. Terrified. Anyway, I don’t like the thought of having to talk about the past, I’ve been well shot of it and have done so well this year without thinking about it too much or letting it ruin me again. We’ll see whether it’s a good idea or not… So far this whole trying to sort my life out hasn’t gone too well… *coughs*

But, with all the relatively depressing stuff said, I’ve decided I’m not going to write for the rest of this month. Yeah, I know, not nice to leave it on a bad note but I just can’t bring myself to write on here anymore but I couldn’t leave it without at least saying something about my… situation? I guess. I do, however, have some kind of vague plan for next year. Hopefully everything will work out and I’ll be more organised (lol) so posts should be more regular (and more fun). We shall see how things go.

Well, all being well I shall see you in the new year with hopefully a lot more happy posts!
See you soon,
Jess x

PS: Sorry that this was all over the place. Ramblings as always!

Round Two

Hello all!

I thought I’d try to do a quick post before September escaped me as I haven’t written much this month! This is the second time I’m writing this. My first attempt got me a bit teary eyed so I’m hoping this one will go a lot better than that!

The main reason for being absent is due to my health (both mental and physical!) continuing its downward spiral. I have days where I feel better mentally and can get stuff done but most days I’m on the sofa either reading or listening to music a new friend has recommended me. Pretty uneventful to say the least! On the plus side, I keep discovering crappy rom-coms so that keeps me entertained!

I’m currently trying to find a quick way (If there is such a thing!) to get better as I plan to see my best friend again next month and the energy would be pretty useful! Hopefully if I keep on top of talking things out with friends and taking more days off to slob around, I should be in a semi-working order soon enough! I also need to work on not staying up so late. That isn’t doing me many favours. *coughs*

Oh, on the topic of health. My mum finally got the diagnosis of Chiari Malformation so now I can go back to the doctors and hope to get somewhere with my own diagnosis. I’m not looking forward to the idea of having more MRIs, though. The last one was enough to put me off them!!

Well, I think that’s all I can think of to write today. I’m not really sure whether this made any sense but as I stayed up until 2am last night I think I can be excused! 😉
See you soon!
Jess x

Room Tour! (Guest room edition)

Hello!

I’ve finally gotten round to taking the pictures of the guest/study room so now I can write this post! 😀

We spent the Thursday before moving/decorating emptying out both rooms… Or at least trying to make it easier to move things. Mum and I spent the day measuring the sofa bed and the furniture from my room as we weren’t 100% it’d all fit. *coughs* We’d reassured dad that it’d be fine so we spent most of Thursday/Friday panicking a bit. Whoops?

It was at this point we realised how much fabric mum actually has!

It was at this point we realised how much fabric mum actually has!

 

How will we fit it all in??

How will we fit it all in??

On the Friday dad got started painting pretty early. I mostly stayed out of the way by sitting downstairs and watching The Hobbit behind the scenes. Quite a fun way to spend the time. 😉 The first thing we moved into the room after it was painted was my bookshelf (the most important thing, obviously!) but I couldn’t finish putting my books on the shelf as the paint was still a bit wet. I have a few pictures of the process but they’re a bit bad. So you’ll have to use your imagination for that bit!

On Saturday we put the remaining furniture in and I spent most of the day sorting out all the drawers as they were a bit messy. I will add that now they’re as messy as they were before I sorted them. Oops! I then spent the rest of the day resting and the parents went out to Ikea to get things for mum’s sewing room!

And now for the bit you’ve actually wanted to see! I’ll start from as you enter the room. Please mind the little messes everywhere, I still do need to put some things away!
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A lot of Hobbit-y/LotR things, if you haven’t noticed! I want to make a little display on the TV wall so I might document that when I eventually get round to it. I really like the room and it makes me quite happy to be in it. It also feels a lot cosier, so it makes the darker nights much more enjoyable!

Well, that’s the tour! Not much of one, as I’m never good at writing these but I hope you enjoyed the nose. 🙂
See you soon!
Jess x

Hello September!

Or where did the year go??

Hello all!

I’m back with another post! This time it’s slightly shorter than the last one, but I’ll make up for that with my next one (finally, a room tour of the new study/guest room!). I thought I’d just write a little update on things. Or shamelessly self promote. Either or.

I can’t remember if I told you, but I started re-reading The Hobbit at some point this year. Possibly in July (at least that’s what my Goodreads tells me!). Anyway, I finally finished it yesterday! It took a long time but I actually finished a book! My goal this year was to read 18 books (because, you know, my age and all) and so far I’ve read one. Close enough, right?!

I’m reading The Wizard of Oz with Ann for Lines for the Mind which is quite an enjoyable read, purely for the short chapters! We were meant to start it on the 22nd of August, but as I wanted to finish The Hobbit first I didn’t start until yesterday. Whoops. Luckily I’ve caught up to Ann already so we can continue with our plans as normal. Then I’ll have finished two. I can do maths. 😉 Hopefully I can continue the pace of reading so I can actually read the books I’ve bought recently!

Today the weather started off really sunny and Timehop reminded me that it’s been a year since I picked blackberries with my aunt so I decided I’d go off to pick some again. It was very slim pickings, I think the birds had got most of them. It’s also really overgrown so I don’t think the bushes have had enough sun. I got eight this year when last I year I probably got over 30! Bit disappointing but I might go back in a few days. As soon as I got home it started raining fairly heavily, I timed it well! It has made me feel really autumnal now and I’m already wishing away September so that it can be Hallowe’en. That’s totally normal, right? 😀 I think it also helps that the weather is as miserable as it is. More curling up on the sofa time. 🙂

Well, I think that’s all I had to say! Bit all over the place but I felt like writing, so I did. 🙂 Next post will be the room tour! Not sure when it’s going up but that’s a thing, just so you know! 😀
See you soon,
Jess x

Not sure where I’m going

Don’t get concerned by the title. I have no plan for this post, it is merely ramble. As is usual with this blog!

Hiya!

I feel like I haven’t written much lately. I wrote two weeks ago? I think… Gosh how time is flying. I would’ve written sooner but in amongst seeing Ann and my pally and walking around the nearest zoo, I have been exhausted. I keep sleeping during the day (totally not related to being exhausted, of course 😉 All to do with the fact this sofa is incredibly comfy…) and yeah. Not much gets done at the moment.

I spend a lot of time my resting or watching anime (which is taxing enough as most English dubs are terrible) which is a new obsession courtesy of my friends from abroad. I watched Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood in a few days. There’s 64 episodes. I needed a day off from everything after that!

Anyway, I guess this is kind of like the appreciation post I wrote last year (which you can read here). I thought I had written it last August but turns out it was in October. Whoops. Moving on.

With all the activity I’ve been doing this month I have been feeling pretty rough. My bags have bags. I had forgotten what that was like! I had a day (can’t remember what day it was, maybe Wednesday?) off from everything because I felt truly awful. I’d had an early night the night before then spent the entire day on the sofa not really knowing what to do with myself. I spoke to Ann a little bit and she made me realise something. She mentioned that next summer I could do even more things than I have this summer. I then slumped even further on the sofa and realised that I never once saw a future for myself.

When I was 11 through to maybe 13, my outlook on “the future” was black nothingness. I never thought I’d wake up the next day let alone do something like meet new people or have a blog or go out to eat places etc.. Now that I had the chance to plan what I want to do next year I was struck by how simple it seemed. There wasn’t a “One day.” it was a “Yeah, if I don’t wear myself out too much I can totally fit it in.” and that concept was so… novel to me. I’ve never really considered it, but at some point in my life (maybe once we moved?) I started seeing a future for myself. I honestly can’t explain that feeling but it feels so good.

My psychologist would probably be clapping right about now if she knew how much I’ve done.

But just her saying that made me wake up. Yeah, I feel like utter shit because I’ve done so much but I never thought I’d get to a point where I could do any of this. It’s still a struggle but I did it all! It’s been the busiest month I’ve had in who knows how long. I should be pleased that I managed to do this much. And I am. I’ve allowed myself that chance to be proud of accomplishing something.

Sometimes I think you do need somebody from the outside to just tell you like it is. Yes, my mum and my nan tell me that a lot but it doesn’t always work. So having a friend that observes you does help a lot more. I’m still going to mope about feeling awful though (I wouldn’t be me otherwise! ;)) but I do feel a bit more grounded, which I definitely needed.

I don’t think there’s anything else. A new friend told me to not be so hard on myself so I’m not going to end this post with my usual “oops” or promises that I generally forget about (somebody could count the amount of promised posts on here and I honestly wouldn’t remember them at all). *halo*

Well, I hope you enjoyed this rather rambly post. I thought I’d just write a little’un for you all!
See you soon!
Jess x

PS: Apologies for mistakes. I feel like this needs to be a new disclaimer. “Jess does not proofread her posts so they may make no sense at all but you can be assured that it made sense in her head.”

Meeting internet friends

I’m happy I’ve managed to keep up with writing at least once a month. I’m quite surprised about that fact, to be completely honest!

Hello all!

I have recovered enough from a very busy last week and finally feel I can write a coherent blog post! I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned (probably not, I know how bad I am at writing!) but I had planned with Ann to meet up this summer. We weren’t entirely sure when it was gonna happen until pretty much the last-minute but we were determined to meet up! You can read Ann’s version of events over here as hers is probably more interesting than the point of view of the English person!

Monday 10th August was a pretty stressful day. I’m not really sure if stressful is the right word but I s’pose it is. I was pretty calm the whole morning, mainly because I’d spoken to Ann while she was waiting at the airport before boarding the plane was I was reassured enough that everything was still going to plan and that nothing unexpected was going to happen!

When the time came for the taxi to arrive, however, I was starting to get really nervous and felt really unwell. Luckily I messaged Ann and I’s mutual friend, Pony, and he managed to calm me down quite a bit. So shout out to him because I really needed that! We arrived at my nan’s and then had to leave pretty much instantly because it said the plane had landed and we didn’t want to get stuck in any traffic that there may have been on the motorway.

Just as we got to one of the first exits I managed to pick up the signal/3G again (it had been pretty terrible the whole journey so my anxiety got worse for fear that I’d miss her calling me!) and she called me to let me know she’d landed and where should we meet. I told her to just stay wherever she was and that we’d find her pretty quickly.

Once we found the right parking space we went off to find a wild Ann. The meeting was basically us waving frantically and hugging. I think that sums up our friendship a lot.

After we got back in the car I kinda decided to head back to my grandparents as it would be easier than toing and froing for the rest of the day, especially as my granddad had taken us to the airport! It was really nice though and I showed Ann around the garden so she could stretch her legs a bit.

We went home after that and chatted a lot. Ann also gave me the biggest bag of Mesikäpp I have ever seen. Seriously, look at this amount of chocolate/sweet goodness:
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I’m a very happy bunny about that. The pile has dwindled slightly since this picture now though. *coughs*

I think we watched a film after that but I’m not entirely sure. But it was bedtime by that point so we both kind of just chilled until we went to our own beds.

Tuesday 11th August was the shopping day. It made sense to do it in the order that we did as Ann found a few gifts and things she wanted so we didn’t have to do it in a rush on the last day! I ended up buying some accessories and a book. I was quite surprised I didn’t buy more than that, but they didn’t have the books I wanted (I’m going to have to order them online, I think) so that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!

Pretty much straight after we got back we called Pony on Skype which was really lovely. One day we can properly have Esponia all together in one room and not over Skype! I look forward to that. 🙂 It was pretty full of laughter on Ann and I’s part, mainly due to how the conversation went from innocent to me searching weird things into Google. I don’t think we’ve ever had a normal conversation!

After we had finished up Skyping (i.e when it ended abruptly) we came downstairs and mum said that Ann sounded more British and I sounded very Estonian. I think I’ve only just got my accent back to normal! We then went to watch some Full Metal Alchemist which was pretty good, even if I didn’t really understand what was happening. I think I need to rewatch the episodes so that I can fully understand it!

Wednesday 12th August was the day (or afternoon) of exploring something quintessentially British. Going round a National Trust place. Luckily the weather had turned quite sunny and warm (it had been cloudy the previous days!) so that made the house and grounds look even more beautiful than usual. That place is so beautiful, I love it even more each time we go around it. ❤
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This is our friend. His name is Sheepy.

This is our friend. His name is Sheepy.

We spent the rest of the afternoon/evening chatting and laughing. I’m pretty sure we laughed so much during the stay because of lack of sleep, but hey, it was very enjoyable!

Oh, we also watched most of the Estonian musical Romeo ja Julia. I fell in love with a guy in a kilt. Like you do. I could guess most of what was going on in the story but Ann’s translations made it even better. I’m pretty obsessed with it now, oops.

Thursday 13th August was kind of bittersweet. We went and got some bits and pieces that Ann needed for back home and once we got back home we finished up watching Romeo ja Julia and played some video games, which set off my vertigo so I had to sit that out whilst chatting to the others.

We decided it would be a good idea to marathon some Disney films to keep us awake so we started off with Mulan and midway through Mulan 2 Ann fell asleep, so I packed everything up and spent the night watching YouTube videos and trying to talk to people.

Friday 14th August was pretty blurry. We managed to get to the airport on time and got through everything pretty okay. It was my first time inside an airport so was a pretty interesting experience for me. Ann and I hugged goodbye and we then parted our separate ways. I won’t lie, I was pretty happy to go straight back to bed and I did manage to get some sleep back, though I spent the rest of the day going in and out of consciousness!

All in all it was a really lovely time and I’m so happy we got to finally meet. Just two more people to meet now and I’ll have met my little group of people! 😀

I hope you all enjoyed this rather lengthy and please do go check out Ann’s post as she included more photos than I did and gave a great first impression of England. 🙂
See you soon!
Jess x