Milestones

Ooh dear, it’s been a little while! This time I do have some excuses!

So, this year marks my 18th year of being on planet Earth, how scary! It really honestly does scare me quite a bit, in my mind I’m still about 11 (maybe 13 on a good day) with all the angsty emotions that went with those years of my life. I know that’s really not true, when I look at pictures from my big day, but alas, I’m getting ahead of myself.

The weekend before my birthday I made the journey down to meet my dad’s family and one of my best friends halfway, so that it wouldn’t be as long a travel for all of us. The journey wasn’t actually too bad, the traffic was pretty non-existent so we managed to get down the motorway without too much hassle, something I’m incredibly grateful for!!

After we’d arrived at the place we were staying, we went out for dinner (quite a big step for me as I usually have to stick to the same place each time, lessens the anxiety). I did end up having an anxiety attack while there, but at least I had managed it! The next day my grandparents came over and we had lovely chats (and a lot of laughter). My nan and I went to play darts, which ended up with an indignant me as she had managed to get two 25s and a bullseye, without any practise. She still rubs it in a bit now!!

I had a little while to rest after that. By rest I mean have several panic attacks due to my lovely pal being a little bit disorganised (still love her though). By 9pm she turned up and we settled in for about 5 hours of catching up. Going to bed at 1am after busy days for the both us was probably not our best idea but it was still a lot of fun, which I think is the important part! The next day my parents left us alone to explore the local area and my pal and I had to fend for ourselves. Luckily we didn’t burn the barn down! *halo* We also attempted to play darts, but the family who owned the place’s dog was sat in the room so pal ended up getting very distracted and made friends with the dog. xD It worked out alright though, as we were both pretty bad at darts!

The journey back was slightly longer than the journey there, due to some of the lanes being closed which was a bit of a bother. Fun times were had on the detour! It was such a relief to get back home though, I feel very Hobbit-like in that as much as adventures seem a nice idea, I’d rather stay at home in my comfort zone and go out for walks if I feel like it. I did really enjoy the weekend away though, was quite nice to be able to have a different view out the window!

I had three and a bit days after that to rest up (which obviously happened *coughs*) and get my energy back on form for the big day. It came around and I spent most of the day trying to get ready (and mum fussing with me because I was taking too long) but I think it turned out pretty okay!
moi 2
I think I did pretty okay on the make-up, I certainly don’t look as hanging as I did without it on! Pretty much just as I’d finished getting ready my grandparents and great-aunt came over a few hours before everyone else did so we had some deep discussions (and by that I mean I was voicing my opinions and they nodded along, they usually do that, hehe) and eyed up the food. Dad came home and shortly after that my aunt, uncle and cousin turned up. I was greeted with a hug and a kiss from my cousin, which was very sweet of him!

My grampy and I ended up drawing with my cousin whilst the adults had their adulty discussions! My grampy said that he bet I didn’t expect to be drawing on my 18th, but I was quite happy with the arrangement! My cousin was quite happy to be around me (instead of usually flitting about between all the people, a reminder of what I was like when I was a kid!) so we had lots of hugs and pictures taken, very amusing when I introduced him to the world of polaroids!!

Eventually everyone, apart from my aunt, went home so my aunt and I had some chats and we rewatched old Christmas plays that we used to do. Very amusing, although I stopped the videos before it got to anything embarrassing, as I knew her and mum would end up laughing at little me, something I wasn’t prepared for! We ended the night with a few glasses of wine (one glass of schnapps for me, with a lot of lemonade. I’m not prepared for alcohol in the slightest, my friends probably get amazed that I drank any at all) and went to bed at midnight, leaving behind the busy day of my journey into 18dom.

Since then I have been hurriedly trying to get back my energy, the past few weeks of adrenaline-fuelled events have finally caught up with me and it’s showing! I have to get enough energy anyway to be able to go to college for an interview on Monday. Another little milestone for me! I’ve been saying I’d be happy to get an interview and now that I have one, I’ll be glad once it’s over!! But, that is the future and not to be worried about until it’s happening. For now I need to prepare for that event and get my energy sorted for it.

Well, that turned out to be a very lengthy post, which I’m sure you’re all secretly grateful for after the break! I can’t say when the next one shall be, but I do have odd bits and bobs to write about so hopefully it will be sooner rather than later!

At any rate, see you soon and thank you for reading this essay!
Jess x

PS: I’m pretty sure I’ve missed things out and made mistakes. Sorry if I have, I’m half awake!

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But you don’t look sick

N.B: Mainly from a Severe M.E sufferer’s perspective. Might be a little bit biased towards that but most of the point still stands due to the fluctuating-ness of M.E. Enjoy your read!

Ah, the famous phrase that annoys many people with chronic illness. In fact, with most cases (from what I’m aware of in the M.E community, although I’m sure it’s the same in the others), we’ve gotten so used to hearing that we don’t bother wasting precious energy getting frustrated. The person who says that is a lost cause until we can muster the energy to educate them.

I’ve read a couple of articles today about life with chronic illness (dealing with daily life/hospitals and still trying to look your best, even when you really don’t feel it) which has sparked the inspiration to write about it. I’ve recently gotten into wearing make up more often, it makes me feel good and I enjoy wearing it. The only issue I encountered was that when I had put some pretty eye shadow on – you couldn’t really see it due to my glasses – I wanted to show it off. The problem with that is I have massive bags under my eyes from my body being constantly exhausted, so taking off my glasses ruins any illusion of the pretty make up (in my mind). I looked into buying a concealer – hoping it’d do some magic – and with the help of a lovely lady at a make up desk, I have a new concealer that matches my skin tone and makes me look a lot more well, giving confidence in myself.

The issue with that, though (if you’re around people who don’t quite understand), they think you’re either doing well or aren’t actually as ill anymore (and in some cases decide to accuse you of faking it), because you look a lot brighter in the face. I had this the other day, I put my trusty concealer on (wearing glasses this time) and the person goes “You’re looking well!”. Cue the inner groan and trying to hold back a sarcastic comment.

It leaves you feeling quite conflicted. On the one hand you might want to get rid of the signs in your face that say you’re chronically ill, but on the other there’s a sense of wanting to prove you are actually unwell. Again, I feel this is mainly an M.E thing (though I’m probably wrong) due to it being so misunderstood and passed off as “it’s all in your head”. You never want to be your illness, but when someone makes a comment like that (I honestly don’t know what they’re trying to achieve. It doesn’t work as a compliment because what was I like the other times you’ve seen me?! If it’s meant as something to make me feel better, that doesn’t work either!) you (or at least I do) feel like you need to list off as many reasons as to why you’re not okay, but in the end you know that won’t help the situation much.

The same person said to me that they thought I could do driving lessons, based on how well I was doing an activity. This time my retort came out of its own accord, “Oh really? What makes you think that?”. They promptly explained their reason (which, as they only see me for a short time, I suppose it was a valid one) to which the sarcasm and annoyance came back out, “I don’t do anything for a week until I come back here, I physically can’t.” (I neglected to mention that the day after doing said activity, I don’t actually get dressed or really talk to anyone). They go silent and move on to other things, which is quite a common response.

It’s something I never really considered before (and as I’ve said it’s probably just me and a few others who I speak to) until seeing these articles. I admire chronically ill people who still go out of their way to look as fabulous as they can, even though on the underneath they probably are dealing with a lot. If it gives you confidence and makes you feel slightly better about your situation, then that’s great!

The main point of this rather rambly post is that there is definitely a conflicting feeling when you wear some kind of cover up make up – even if it’s just for one day a week or something like that. Some people don’t like to look ill and some people accept it, but on the off-chance that you do wear some form of cover up, there will always be someone who will comment on it. Which I think is rather unfair, they see you for [insert amount of time] and suddenly think that oh yes, actually you can do such and such because today you’re looking okay. The reality of that being that after they’ve left, you’re exhausted and would probably like to sleep for a while.

I’ve only touched on the make up aspect of this – there is so much more to it – but as I don’t think I’ve done this nearly enough justice, I’ll leave it for another day! I hope this did make some sense and maybe opened your eyes a bit to the quite confusing world of M.E.

On that note, I shall leave you to it! Thank you for reading this rather lengthy post!
See you soon,
Jess x

A refresher

Hello there all 🙂

I’ve taken it upon myself to join “Blogging University” as a way to improve my blog writing and generally improve this blog (as if I didn’t have enough on my plate at the moment!). So the first assignment is to introduce yourself. Well, when I started this blog in 2012 I did do a little introduction so I don’t need to cover as much as I needed to back then. Although looking back at that a better, less cringey introduction might be worth it!

As you’re probably already aware, my name is Jess and I’m a teenager from England. My birthday is in a couple of weeks and I’m already freaking out about that . . . On to the next subject, eh? I mainly use this space to blog about things that interest me, which is quite different from when I started this blog as I had no clue which direction I wanted to take this in. I also take the time to write about problems I encounter with my illness, M.E (let’s ignore the full spelling for a second), as I’d like to try to get more awareness about it.

I’m not really sure what else I can add really, without boring you guys. I want to be a more regular blogger but at the same time (as I said in my first post of this year) it’s currently easier for me to just blog when I feel like it. I want to give good content to read and if I’m forcing myself to post I don’t think that gives the standard I’d like to share (looks back at most of the 2014 posts pointedly). We’ll see how this new blogging university lark goes. 🙂

On that note, I shall leave you! I’m hoping this will make sense as currently my head is as foggy as a foggy thing and isn’t working properly. Such fun!
See you soon,
Jess x