This week’s focus

Hello again! 😀

I’m back with another post! It feels like ages since the last one even though it’s really only been 7 days, go figure. I feel like this month has dragged on but also hasn’t. Am I making any sense? Probably not.

Since my last post things have pretty much been the same. I’ve managed a few car trips (even one today for a longer distance) and played music a lot. I finally received my MRI date, which is something I’m relieved about. Once I saw the letter I said “What’s the betting it’s on a Download date?” and lo and behold, it’s on the morning (at 9:15!!! Ew!!!) of Muse. After a late night out seeing Black Stone Cherry, it’s straight to bed then off to see the MRI peeps and then probably back home to have a sleep before Muse. My parents keep telling me that what happens, happens and if I can’t manage Muse it’s something that I’ll have to put up with. In my mind however I am going to see Muse regardless. Watch my views on that change after the MRI. 😉 I’m glad it has finally come through though, one step closer to figuring out what on Earth is going on!

I had a joyous evening yesterday going through all my letters from my psychologists/rehab people (totally professional names of course) regarding the M.E diagnosis. It’s interesting to see how it all fluctuated at different points (and after reading some of the school things I’m still tempted to share that stuff in a later post) and is worth bringing up some of the symptom-y stuff if nothing shows up on the MRI. I’m amazed at how far I’ve come, though. I seem to forget a lot of what happened in the early stages of my severe stage and it impresses me how far I’ve come with both this illness and the anxiety. It sucked to have to read through it all but it was worth the reward of feeling like I have improved these last 7 years! I also may or may not have written down some of the advice they had given me back then so that it may help me get through this period in life (but we won’t tell anyone that, will we? 😉 ), fingers crossed it helps!

Going on to some more cheerful stuff (since when have I turned into a medical blog – sorry if it is boring anybody!), I went out to the local antique fair thing that I’ve mentioned a few times on here, it was different this time – slightly less interesting things around – but I did get a couple of purchases (and some things yesterday at a local antiques/vintage shop) so I might do a post in a little while showing the things I bought, we need some more pictures on here! Hopefully the lighting will improve so I can take some good’uns. England has decided to bestow on us the beauty of grey skies, maybe it knows it’s bank holiday.

With that said, I shall probably leave you. Another long post about medical bits and bobs! At least it isn’t long until Download now, then I’ll have lots of pictures for you all! 😀
See you soon,
Jess x

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Hello again!

I said once before that I’m useless at coming up with titles and I think this just proves it. One day I will be able to think of one! Hopefully. So far it doesn’t look very likely!

Since my last post I’ve been a little busy, I suppose. I’ve pottered around mainly, writing things here and there (whether they’re of any quality is another matter of course!), played bass and guitar and had a few nice days sitting outside. I’ll do a little catch up as I’m sure you’re all interested in that! 😛

My writing for super-secret-writing has been a little slow, I’ve come to the end of things I’ve already written and am now faced with following my barely there plot outlines to try to create the next chapter (and maybe elongate existing chapters as they’re about 1,000 – 2,000 words a piece, oh dear!). It’ll be okay once I’ve decided properly on how I’m writing it, for example what tone I want to use. It started off all very descriptive and now that it’s got going it’s quite a bit different, but there we are! I also need to finish off a few short stories for the series I’m doing over on Lines for the Mind but I’m sure I’ll get to that eventually!

I mentioned that I’ve also been playing bass and guitar again! At the moment it isn’t hurting too much (my fingers have built back some strength) though it is putting strain on my neck, which is to be expected with hefty guitars. It’s coming along slowly, at some point I’d like lessons but for now I’m teaching myself the easier things. On bass so far I’ve learnt the main riffs to Love Cats by The Cure and Supremacy by Muse (to add to the additional main riffs of Black No. 1 by Type O Negative and Lucretia My Reflection by The Sisters of Mercy). With guitar, however, I’m trying to learn Backseat Serenade by All Time Low. I’ve tried learning it acoustically (thinking it’d be slightly easier) but my fingers don’t want to change chords at a particular time so I’ve given a go at learning it on electric guitar for now. An interesting way of doing it, but if it works then it’s worth it, eh? I do think my guitar skills may be limited to many intros of songs until I get lessons though, hehe.

As for days outside, it’s mainly been sat on the driveway while watching dad talk to the neighbours or sort his bike out. It’s quite enjoyable (though sitting on the tarmac for a long period of time is not recommended!) and being around people has helped improve my mood. Yesterday was especially nice as we had a trip out as a family at a vehicle show and then I spent the afternoon sat outside with dad, the neighbours and my family. All that socialising, while exhausting, was definitely needed. I think my social needs are satisfied for now (I feel like I’m a Sim) so hopefully that can stave off any bad moods for a few days.

Aside from that I’ve been listening to a lot of music to keep me distracted and for a bit of company. I’ve re-discovered All Time Low, Fall Out Boy and Muse so I’ve been catching up with their albums. By catching up I mean listening to the same 4 songs from each band because I’m scared I won’t like the rest, but there we are! I’ve been trying to catch up a lot with Muse, as I’m seeing them in a few weeks time at Download, how exciting!

With all that said I should probably go now! Next post I’ll try to get some pictures on here, I’ve been severely lacking in my previous posts!
See you soon,
Jess x

Unsteady

NB: This is probably going to make no sense as I’m not going to censor myself or edit this much. You know the drill! Hopefully it does make some sense though.

I said that this year I’d limit the amount of ranty posts because last year was a bit of a mess, to say the least. In reality, that wasn’t going to happen because I’m at another relatively difficult period in my life (on the scale of difficult things I’ve endured, this scores pretty low. That probably says something).

This week is M.E Awareness week and I’ve always done a post on the topic (2012, 2013, 2014) but this year I can’t bring myself to do it. For the past couple of months (probably after the last M.E awareness post, to be completely honest) I haven’t felt like I belonged to that diagnosis anymore. With the new symptoms that I’ve been experiencing (I now have a list of 18 new symptoms, what happened there?!) it’s strengthened that in my mind. It’s never wise to google symptoms but mum and I have an inkling of what could be the cause of 3 (current) generations of ill health. It basically depends on what my MRI results turn out to show, but we’re pretty convinced (though not putting our faith in it).

The only way I can possibly describe how this makes me feel is by saying I feel 11 again. Now that will make no sense to anyone apart from my family, as they were the only ones there at that age! The gist of it is that I felt very lost in the months leading up to/after my diagnosis of M.E and very vulnerable. I ended up depressed because of it (and because of certain meds). Now though, going through the uncertainty of a possible new diagnosis it feels like that again. Except this time, I’m seven years older. I’m more experienced with doctors, knowing what to say to make them listen to me and how to be (relatively) prepared for whatever they throw at me. Yet there’s still that niggling feeling of how I did feel. The feeling of giving up on what I want to do, the feeling of anxiety at the thought of possibly having something else I’ve not heard of with no known 100% successful cure, the feeling of wanting to hide away and shut away from people. I’m torn between giving into those feelings and also fighting my corner.

It’s not really an option for me to give up, I won’t allow myself to. I haven’t got myself this far for no reason. Maybe I need a few more days to let myself wallow in whatever emotion I feel like, rather than forcing myself to seem peppy and not having a care (though I’m pretty sure anyone close to me sees I’m not the same me and haven’t been for a while. I thank them for the decency of not bringing it up unless I do!!). It’d probably help quite a bit, speaking from experience. It’s a bit hard to distract myself when nearly everything sets off one symptom or another (vertigo vs pain. I think I’d rather have pain and enjoy playing an instrument than going out or reading which sets of vertigo!) but I’m trying to manage.

I guess this is an awareness post of sorts, but I’m not really sure of what it raises awareness of! I should probably say that if I go silent on here, it’s not because I don’t like you. I need to conserve as much as energy as I can get for Download (not really sure how that’ll go, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it) and writing these posts are taking a lot out of me at the moment. I hope I can post every now and then, but if there aren’t any posts in a while then that’s why!

See you soon,
Jess x