Not sure where I’m going

Don’t get concerned by the title. I have no plan for this post, it is merely ramble. As is usual with this blog!

Hiya!

I feel like I haven’t written much lately. I wrote two weeks ago? I think… Gosh how time is flying. I would’ve written sooner but in amongst seeing Ann and my pally and walking around the nearest zoo, I have been exhausted. I keep sleeping during the day (totally not related to being exhausted, of course 😉 All to do with the fact this sofa is incredibly comfy…) and yeah. Not much gets done at the moment.

I spend a lot of time my resting or watching anime (which is taxing enough as most English dubs are terrible) which is a new obsession courtesy of my friends from abroad. I watched Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood in a few days. There’s 64 episodes. I needed a day off from everything after that!

Anyway, I guess this is kind of like the appreciation post I wrote last year (which you can read here). I thought I had written it last August but turns out it was in October. Whoops. Moving on.

With all the activity I’ve been doing this month I have been feeling pretty rough. My bags have bags. I had forgotten what that was like! I had a day (can’t remember what day it was, maybe Wednesday?) off from everything because I felt truly awful. I’d had an early night the night before then spent the entire day on the sofa not really knowing what to do with myself. I spoke to Ann a little bit and she made me realise something. She mentioned that next summer I could do even more things than I have this summer. I then slumped even further on the sofa and realised that I never once saw a future for myself.

When I was 11 through to maybe 13, my outlook on “the future” was black nothingness. I never thought I’d wake up the next day let alone do something like meet new people or have a blog or go out to eat places etc.. Now that I had the chance to plan what I want to do next year I was struck by how simple it seemed. There wasn’t a “One day.” it was a “Yeah, if I don’t wear myself out too much I can totally fit it in.” and that concept was so… novel to me. I’ve never really considered it, but at some point in my life (maybe once we moved?) I started seeing a future for myself. I honestly can’t explain that feeling but it feels so good.

My psychologist would probably be clapping right about now if she knew how much I’ve done.

But just her saying that made me wake up. Yeah, I feel like utter shit because I’ve done so much but I never thought I’d get to a point where I could do any of this. It’s still a struggle but I did it all! It’s been the busiest month I’ve had in who knows how long. I should be pleased that I managed to do this much. And I am. I’ve allowed myself that chance to be proud of accomplishing something.

Sometimes I think you do need somebody from the outside to just tell you like it is. Yes, my mum and my nan tell me that a lot but it doesn’t always work. So having a friend that observes you does help a lot more. I’m still going to mope about feeling awful though (I wouldn’t be me otherwise! ;)) but I do feel a bit more grounded, which I definitely needed.

I don’t think there’s anything else. A new friend told me to not be so hard on myself so I’m not going to end this post with my usual “oops” or promises that I generally forget about (somebody could count the amount of promised posts on here and I honestly wouldn’t remember them at all). *halo*

Well, I hope you enjoyed this rather rambly post. I thought I’d just write a little’un for you all!
See you soon!
Jess x

PS: Apologies for mistakes. I feel like this needs to be a new disclaimer. “Jess does not proofread her posts so they may make no sense at all but you can be assured that it made sense in her head.”

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3 thoughts on “Not sure where I’m going

  1. thats such a great realisation to come to, i’m delighted for you. It IS hard to be pleased about what you’ve managed when the result is feeling so utterly crap. Maybe if we keep on doing stuff with acceptance of the crappy “hangover” there might come a time the “hangover” lessens. Rest up, sounds like you deserve it. 🙂

  2. Loved this post Jess and it’s good to hear that you feel positive about your achievements this year despite your exhaustion. Your P.S. Made me chuckle too. 🙂

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