Hello! I know this isn’t the post I promised but I’m having a few issues, this time not with WordPress! I’ll say before this won’t make any sense and I’m sorry for that. xD I want to document this so I’ll probably be okay tomorrow but yeah. Just wanted to get this out.

I’ll be 17 next month and it’s really freaking me out. I’m closer to 20 than I am to 10. What happened there, time?!

I’m not really sure how to explain this, but I’ll try my best. I still feel like I’m 11-14. I really can’t explain it. I don’t feel like I’m 17. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m comparing myself to other people and it just makes me upset. I can’t express myself and explain what I want to say, it ‘s so hard. This blog post is going to be a mess xD

Basically, I can’t put my words into the right order or even think of the words I want. I know this is probably down to brain fog but still. It also makes me annoyed because I was, what I love to call myself (without sounding up myself), “smart”. I knew I was intelligent and until I got my depression I was definitely smarter than some of my peers. That’s where the stuck at 11 comes in. Once I became poorly everything stopped. So I still have the mind of an 11-year-old when I know I’m capable of so much more. I just can’t do it. It’s making me cry thinking about it oh god. *breathes*

It just frustrates me knowing I could be so high up where I want to be but I’m being held back. This is why my goal for this year is to kick my own arse and focus on improving my mind. I hate not being able to do what I want to do. A lot of people (I have witnesses to prove I’m not making this up, okay) have said I’m eloquent and that makes me pleased but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel “smart” and I don’t feel eloquent. I feel a jumbled mess and I really don’t like it.

I think it will always be one of my weaknesses. I’m a high achiever (which I think we’ve covered) and I sort of like the security of knowing what’s happening (stops anxiety, ya know).

Argh, I really don’t think I should have written but I need to get it out of my system. I’m sorry that you’ve had to read my ramble, I know it doesn’t make any sense. It makes no sense in my mind tank, either.

Hopefully I’ll be back soon, with a better post than this.
Sorry again,
Jess x
(I’ll be okay. I feel better for letting it out)


3 thoughts on “Frustration

  1. Oh Jess, you may feel that you haven’t explained yourself well but you really have. As Mum says, you are eloquent. You are also smart. You may not have had the schooling of your peers but you search out learning for yourself, because you want to expand your knowledge. And when you do search it out you do it thoroughly! Much more thoroughly than you would at school, because you are engaged with the subject and passionate to learn more. As a result, you are an informed and entertaining communicator on many subjects, and can talk on an equal basis with adults. You once told me that you had ‘lost’ years to your illness, years that you will never get back. So, I understand that you must grieve for them. But then I hope you will see that you most definitely are not 11 or even 14, but an accomplished and intelligent almost 17 year old who, in many ways, is far more grown up that your 17 years would normally suggest. Love you lots. Xxx

  2. Jess I understand where you are coming from and it’s good to share it.I often think myself of some of the things you have been unable to do,but that also means that you have had the chance to grow so much as an independent young person that has not been pigeon holed into the type of normal student/teenager that is so often expected in schools.You have come so far,especially over the last year and have achieved a lot.You have a very unique and mature understanding of life that is far beyond most 17 year olds.All these things will help you achieve the things you really want in life,be patient and have faith in yourself ,I know that everyone that loves you has a lot of faith in you and I admire you tremendously.Lots of love xxx

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