Hello! I know this isn’t the post I promised but I’m having a few issues, this time not with WordPress! I’ll say before this won’t make any sense and I’m sorry for that. xD I want to document this so I’ll probably be okay tomorrow but yeah. Just wanted to get this out.
I’ll be 17 next month and it’s really freaking me out. I’m closer to 20 than I am to 10. What happened there, time?!
I’m not really sure how to explain this, but I’ll try my best. I still feel like I’m 11-14. I really can’t explain it. I don’t feel like I’m 17. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m comparing myself to other people and it just makes me upset. I can’t express myself and explain what I want to say, it ‘s so hard. This blog post is going to be a mess xD
Basically, I can’t put my words into the right order or even think of the words I want. I know this is probably down to brain fog but still. It also makes me annoyed because I was, what I love to call myself (without sounding up myself), “smart”. I knew I was intelligent and until I got my depression I was definitely smarter than some of my peers. That’s where the stuck at 11 comes in. Once I became poorly everything stopped. So I still have the mind of an 11-year-old when I know I’m capable of so much more. I just can’t do it. It’s making me cry thinking about it oh god. *breathes*
It just frustrates me knowing I could be so high up where I want to be but I’m being held back. This is why my goal for this year is to kick my own arse and focus on improving my mind. I hate not being able to do what I want to do. A lot of people (I have witnesses to prove I’m not making this up, okay) have said I’m eloquent and that makes me pleased but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel “smart” and I don’t feel eloquent. I feel a jumbled mess and I really don’t like it.
I think it will always be one of my weaknesses. I’m a high achiever (which I think we’ve covered) and I sort of like the security of knowing what’s happening (stops anxiety, ya know).
Argh, I really don’t think I should have written but I need to get it out of my system. I’m sorry that you’ve had to read my ramble, I know it doesn’t make any sense. It makes no sense in my mind tank, either.
Hopefully I’ll be back soon, with a better post than this.
(I’ll be okay. I feel better for letting it out)